I am a mother of 2 sons aged 19 and 7. When the war started, I woke up from a call from a friend. I had time to think what nonsense it was, when suddenly the windows trembled from the blast wave and the car alarms went off. A month has passed, I still don’t understand how this could happen, how it was allowed.We were in our apartment for two nights. It was very difficult psychologically, so we went to the country. She is also in Kiev, but we have boarded up the window, and the sounds of explosions are now heard remotely, it gives a sense of security.
During the days of the war there were a lot of emotions: animal fear, fierce hatred, complete despair, burning hopelessness, complete apathy ….. I still do not have acceptance of this horror. It hurts me so much — not physically, my soul hurts. I find some strength to hold on for the sake of the children. God has sent me salvation, a fulcrum that keeps me sane. My island of safety is a girl Natalia from Belarus, my mind and soul find comfort in communicating with her.
Fear for relatives, friends, acquaintances burns out the soul. Fear of the night, darkness, wild fear of undressing and going to the shower, because when water pours on you, you start to choke with panic. There is only one thought in my head: if they get into the house now, you will not have time to save the children. You learn to live in these conditions: under the explosions, with the realization that tomorrow may not be.
How can I get back that boy who studied at university, studied to be independent, worked part—time, decided how to congratulate girls at work on March 8, and knew that home was his safe rear? How to return a carefree childhood to the youngest? How to protect them from nightmares? How to save their lives? Have we made the right decision to stay in Kiev? How can we accept that one person’s madness is on one side of the scale, and so many crippled lives are on the other? How to accept that those who were supposed to kill this one madman came to your country to kill? How can we accept that so many Russians enjoy the fact that so much blood is being shed in Ukraine? What happened that humanity and compassion for one’s neighbor simply disappeared? How can I accept myself as someone else, with such a huge black hole instead of a soul? The one who hates everyone who came to our country with weapons, those who enjoy this bloodshed, those who are silent, those who are looking for an excuse for this war? I never thought I could hate so much.